Feedback for Bilbo
Essay Type: IELTS Opinion Essay
In many societies, there is a debate about the salary differences between essential workers like doctors and teachers, and celebrities such as footballers or movie stars. I partly agree with the idea that the professionals should be paid more.
On the one hand, it is true that doctors and teachers provide a lot of value to the community. Doctors save lives and improve public health, while teachers educate the children and help build the future of the country. Without them, society would not function properly. In addition, many of them work long hours and deal with a lot of stress, but their income does not always reflect this.
However, celebrities also bring value in different ways. Sports stars and musicians provide entertainment and help people relax. Their performances can create jobs and generate a lot of money through ticket sales, TV rights, and advertising. Also, their success often comes from years of hard work, talent, and discipline, so their high salary can be justified in some cases.
In conclusion, while I believe that doctors and teachers should be paid more than they are now, I do not think celebrities should be paid less. Both groups have different roles and the contributions in society, and it is difficult to compare them directly.
Grammar
| Error Type | Original | Corrected | Explanation | IELTS Impact |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Articles | Doctors save lives and improve public health, while teachers educate children… | Doctors save lives and improve public health, while teachers educate the children… | The article “the” is needed before the noun “children” to specify a particular group as a general representation of all children being educated. | Frequent article errors can lead to band reduction in grammatical accuracy and cohesion. |
| Articles | Doctors save lives and improve public health… | Doctors save lives and improve the public health… | Including “the” before “public health” clarifies that it refers to the health of the public as a whole. | Consistent misuse or omission may lower the score in grammatical accuracy. |
| Article | …generate a lot of money through ticket sales, TV rights, and advertising… | …generate a lot of money through ticket sales, television rights, and advertising… | “TV” should be replaced with “television” for formality appropriate to essay writing. | Use of informal vocabulary diminishes the formal tone of an academic essay, potentially impacting task achievement. |
| Countable/Uncountable | Sports stars and musicians provide entertainment… | Sports stars and musicians provide entertainment… | No correction needed. “Entertainment” is correct and uncountable here. | Correct usage preserves lexical resource score. |
| Complex Sentences | Their performances can create jobs and generate a lot of money through ticket sales, TV rights, and advertising. | Their performances can create jobs and generate a significant amount of money through ticket sales, television rights, and advertising. | “A lot of” is replaced with “a significant amount of” for a formal tone and increased complexity. | Utilizing complex sentence structures can enhance cohesion and coherence scores. |
Vocabulary & Tone Feedback
| Original Phrase | Better Alternative | Why This Works Better |
|---|---|---|
| provide a lot of value | contribute significantly | “Contribute significantly” is more concise and formally expresses the idea of making an important social impact. |
| a lot of stress | considerable stress | “Considerable stress” is a more formal way to describe the extent of stress experienced. |
| a lot of money | substantial income | “Substantial income” is more specific and formal, fitting the discussion of economic impacts. |
Spelling Corrections
| Misspelled Word | Corrected | Explanation |
|---|---|---|
| defenitely | definitely | Spelling error: Correct spelling of “definitely.” |
| professionals | professionals | No correction needed. |
| conclution | conclusion | Spelling error: Correct spelling of “conclusion.” |