IELTS Feedback for jack

Feedback for Jack

IELTS Discussion Essay

Rewritten Essay (with edits + explanations)

The entertainment industry is one of the largest sectors all around the world. Some think that the people who work in that industry earn too much money considering their bad influence on society, and I agree. Others, however, believe that their positive impact on others is worth the money that they are paid.

On the one hand, there is no doubt that show business is an enormous and unfairly well-paid sector. In addition to that, members of it do not add real value compared to others, like, for instance, education workers. Although in some countries teachers live with unreasonable wages, their responsibility is extremely valuable for the next generation to become better people. Whereas a singer can earn double a teacher’s yearly salary from one concert. The other important point is that for a balanced and equal society, the difference between income levels must not be very high. Regardless of their contribution, no one should make billions of dollars as easily because that imbalance has a significant negative impact on societies.

Change: Added “the” before “next generation” and corrected “billions of dollars that” to “billions of dollars as” to match intended meaning. Removed unnecessary commas for clarity. Adjusted sentence structures for subject-verb agreement and consistency.

On the other hand, some people think that entertainers’ contribution to modern life is worth the money they earn. It can be understood that for many people, watching a movie or going to a concert is irreplaceable with other activities; therefore, they think that their positive impact is crucial for a significant proportion of people. In addition to that, celebrities do compromise their privacy and freedom by being known by many others. In exchange for that, they deserve a comfortable life with significantly better paychecks.

Change: Altered “in exchange of that” to “in exchange for that” for correct preposition usage. Adjustments made for consistency with modals.

In conclusion, despite their minimal contribution with their work to the people and sacrifice from their private life, I believe that their impact is far from being positive and that they are not paid fairly or balanced with others.

Change: Removed unnecessary semicolon and adjusted phrasing for clarity and correct conjunction use. Corrected verb patterns for better sentence flow.

Grammar

Error Type	Original	Corrected	Explanation	IELTS Impact
Articles	The entertainment industry is one of the largest sectors in all around the world.	The entertainment industry is one of the largest sectors all around the world.	The phrase “in all around the world” incorrectly uses “in” as a preposition. It should be omitted for correct usage of “all around the world”.	If repeated, this can detract from clarity and could reduce the score in the lexical resource category.
Punctuation	Their responsibility, is extremely valuable for next generations become better people.	Their responsibility is extremely valuable for the next generations to become better people.	There should be no comma after “responsibility”, and “for next generations become” should be modified with “for the next generations to become”.	Punctuation errors can impede fluency and cohesion, potentially impacting scores in those areas.
Relative Clauses	Regardless than their contribution, no one should make billions of dollars that easily,	Regardless of their contribution, no one should make billions of dollars that easily,	The prepositional noun clause should begin with “Regardless of” rather than “Regardless than”.	Incorrect forms of grammatical structures can affect grammatical range and accuracy scores.
Informal Language	Celebrities do compromise their privacy and freedom with being known by many others.	Celebrities do sacrifice their privacy and freedom by being well-known to many others.	The informal term “with” should be changed to the more formal “by” to enhance precision and correctness in expression.	Informal language use can reduce scores in the Lexical Resource category.
Complex Sentences	In exchange of that, they do deserve a comfortable life with significantly better paychecks.	In exchange for that, they deserve a comfortable life with significantly better paychecks.	“In exchange of” is incorrect; the proper phrase is “In exchange for”. Further, “do deserve” is unnecessary emphasis in formal writing.	Incorrect use of prepositional phrases can impact coherence and cohesion scores.

Vocabulary & Tone Feedback

Original Phrase	Better Alternative	Why This Works Better
in all around the world	around the world	Simplifying the phrase by removing “in all” to make it more concise. The word “around” already implies a global reach.
bad influence	negative influence	“Negative influence” is more formal and appropriate for academic writing than “bad influence.”
unfairly well paid	excessively well-paid	The phrase “excessively well-paid” more accurately conveys an objective level of high payment as opposed to “unfairly,” which is subjective and less formal.
real value	substantial value	“Substantial value” is a more precise and formal expression compared to the vague term “real value.”
Regardless than their contribution	Regardless of their contribution	“Regardless of” is the correct prepositional phrase, improving both accuracy and formality.
in modern life	to modern society	“To modern society” is a more formal and precise way to describe the impact on the collective human context.
However, believe that their positive impact	believe that the positive impact	Replacing “their” with “the” establishes a singular subject reference and maintains formal tone.

Spelling Feedback

Misspelled Word	Corrected	Explanation
beacause	because	Typo: The correct spelling is “because.”
become	become	Typo: The correct spelling is “become.”
compromise	compromise	Correct spelling.
irreplaceable	irreplaceable	Correct spelling.