Student Name: Jack
Essay Type: IELTS Discussion Essay
Rewritten Essay (with Edits + Explanations)
In today’s modern world, smartphones are everywhere, and many children want to use them as much as possible. Some people believe that giving children free access to smartphones can be beneficial, while others argue that it can be harmful to their development.
Change: Added a comma after “everywhere” for correct punctuation. Explanation: A comma is needed between two independent clauses when they are joined by a conjunction like “and”.
On the one hand, allowing children to use smartphones whenever they want can give them more independence. They can search for information, play educational games, or even communicate with friends and family. Also, some parents think that using smartphones helps children to learn technology skills early, which is useful in modern life. Moreover, smartphones can keep kids entertained and quiet, which can be helpful for busy parents.
Change: Removed “the” before “modern life.” Explanation: “Modern life” is used in a general sense, and does not require an article.
On the other hand, there are many dangers if children use smartphones too much. Firstly, they might become addicted and spend too much time on games or social media, which can affect their studies. Secondly, there is a risk of exposure to harmful content on the internet. Furthermore, spending long hours on screens can cause health problems like eye strain and lack of physical activity. These problems can affect their growth and development negatively.
Change: Added “can” before “affect their studies.” Changed “badly” to “negatively.” Explanation: The modal “can” is required to express possibility, and “negatively” is a more precise term for describing the quality of an effect.
In conclusion, while smartphones can offer some benefits for children, I believe that giving them full freedom to use them is not a good idea. Parents should control how much time children spend on their phones and make sure it is used in a safe and useful way.
Change: None Explanation: This paragraph did not have the specific grammar issues identified for correction; thus, no changes were made.
| Error Type | Original | Corrected | Explanation | IELTS Impact |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Articles | in the modern life. | in modern life. | The article “the” is unnecessary here as “modern life” is a general concept not specific. | Frequent errors with articles could lower the Coherence and Cohesion score to Band 6. |
| Informal Language | keep kids entertained | keep children entertained | “Kids” is informal and should be replaced with the formal term “children”. | Using informal language can reduce the Lexical Resource score, possibly to Band 6. |
| Subject-Verb Agreement | which affect their studies | which affects their studies | The verb should be singular to agree with the singular subject “which” referring to “spending too much time”. | Repeated issues may affect the Grammatical Range and Accuracy score, reducing it to Band 6. |
| Punctuation | for their development. | for their development, | A comma should be used at the end of an introductory phrase to separate it from the following clause. | Frequent punctuation errors can lower Grammatical Range and Accuracy to Band 6. |
| Quantifiers | there are many dangers | there are numerous dangers | “Numerous” is a more formal quantifier that enhances the formality of the essay. | Inappropriate formal tone could affect the Lexical Resource score, possibly reducing it to Band 6. |
💬 Vocabulary & Tone Feedback
| Original Phrase | Better Alternative | Why This Works Better |
|---|---|---|
| modern life | contemporary life | “Contemporary life” is a more precise term that fits well in formal writing, though “modern life” is not incorrect, just slightly less formal. |
| kids | children | Using “children” instead of “kids” maintains a suitably formal tone for IELTS writing. |
| affect their growth and development badly | negatively impact their growth and development | “Negatively impact” is a more formal and precise phrasing, appropriate for academic contexts. |
| giving them full freedom to use them | allowing unrestricted use | “Allowing unrestricted use” conveys the same meaning in a more formal and concise manner. |
🔠 Spelling Corrections
| Misspelled Word | Corrected | Explanation |
|---|---|---|
| freedom | free access | Typo: incorrect form of the word |
| whenever | when they | Typo: incorrect form of the word |
| childern | children | Typo: misspelling of the word |
📐 Sentence Structure Feedback
- Simple Sentences: 4
- Compound Sentences: 3
- Complex Sentences: 5
- Conditionals: 1
- Rhetorical/Stylistic: 0
Summary: The essay demonstrates a reasonable variety of simple, compound, and complex sentences. However, there is no use of rhetorical or stylistic devices, which could enhance the engagement and style of the writing. There is an attempt to use complex sentences, which adds depth to the arguments presented.
Tip: To increase sentence variety and achieve a higher band score, try incorporating rhetorical questions or stylistic devices, such as parallelism, to make your arguments more engaging. Additionally, varying the sentence openings can help maintain reader interest.
🎯 Thesis & Introduction Feedback
Your Introduction:
In today’s modern world, smartphones are everywhere and many children want to use them as much as possible. Some people believe that giving children free access to smartphones can be beneficial, while others argue that it can be harmful for their development.
Feedback:
– The paraphrasing of the essay question is generally accurate, capturing the debate around children’s smartphone usage.
– The introduction lacks a clear thesis statement that outlines the student’s own perspective on the issue.
– Avoids formulaic phrases, but could be more effective with a direct opinion included.
Improvement Tip: Try starting your introduction by clearly stating your position. Avoid phrases like “this essay will discuss…” — IELTS rewards clarity and directness.
Suggested Rewrite:
In our technology-driven age, the prevalence of smartphones has sparked a debate on whether children should have unrestricted access to these devices. While some argue that constant access can enhance learning and independence, others believe it poses risks to their development. I contend that the potential harms outweigh the benefits, and therefore, access should be moderated.
📝 Practice Based on Your Essay
A. Fix the Sentences
- Some people believe that giving children free access to smartphones can be beneficial, while others argue that it can be harmful for their development.
- Firstly, they might become addicted and spend too much time on games or social media, which affect their studies.
- Moreover, smartphones can keep kids entertained and quiet, which can be helpful for busy parents.
B. Rewrite This Paragraph
Instructions: Rewrite the paragraph below, focusing on improving grammar, structure, and clarity. Use Band 7.0 expectations.
On the one hand, allowing children to use smartphones whenever they want can give them more independence. They can search for information, play educational games, or even communicate with friends and family. Also, some parents think that using smartphones helps children to learn technology skills early, which is useful in the modern life. Moreover, smartphones can keep kids entertained and quiet, which can be helpful for busy parents.
C. Challenge: Spot the Mistakes
Find and fix the mistakes in the following sentences.
In today’s modern world, smartphones are everywhere and many children want to use them as much as possible. There is a risk of exposure to harmful content on the internet.
D. Use Your Grammar Packs
Write one example sentence for each grammar issue you were assigned. Focus on using articles, verb patterns, and prepositions correctly.
- Articles: Write a sentence using proper articles (a, an, the).
- Verb Patterns: Write a sentence demonstrating correct verb pattern usage (e.g., gerunds, infinitives).
- Prepositions: Write a sentence using prepositions accurately.
E. Quick Self-Check
Reflect on your writing using this checklist:
- Did I use a mix of sentence types?
- Did I avoid repeating the same words?
- Did I check for article and verb errors?
Pick one area to focus on improving next time.
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