Jack
Essay Type
IELTS Discussion Essay
Rewritten Essay (with Edits + Explanations)
Some people argue that it is the responsibility of parents to teach their children how to behave well in society. Others believe this role belongs to the school. In this essay, I will examine both views and give my own opinion.
On the one hand, parents are the first teachers and they spend a lot of time with their children. They can teach them moral values like respect, honesty, and kindness. For example, when a child sees their parent helping others, they will also learn to do the same. Also, children usually trust their parents more than teachers, so the lessons can have a stronger impact.
On the other hand, schools are professional institutions where children learn many social skills. They have to follow rules, work in groups, and respect teachers and classmates. This environment helps them understand how to behave in society. Moreover, some parents may not have enough education or time to teach these things properly. Therefore, the school system can provide a more equal way of teaching social behavior to all students.
In my opinion, both parents and schools play an important role. Parents should teach basic values at home, and schools should support and expand this learning in a formal way. When both work together, children can grow up with a better understanding of how to be good members of society.
| Error Type | Original | Corrected | Explanation | IELTS Impact |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Articles | ome people argue that it is the responsibility of parents | Some people argue that it is the responsibility of the parents | The sentence lacked an article ‘S’ indicating missing letters or was potentially a typographical error. | Frequent minor errors can reduce clarity and coherence, potentially impacting scores in Lexical Resource and Grammar. |
| Verb Form | children can grow up with a better understanding | children can grow up with an improved understanding | The phrase “a better understanding” was replaced with “an improved understanding” to enhance precision and formality. | Inaccuracy in formal vocabulary affects scores in Lexical Resource. |
| Pronoun Consistency | when a child sees their parent | when a child sees his or her parent | Using “his or her” instead of “their” maintains pronoun consistency in the singular form. | Inconsistent pronouns can impact Grammatical Range and Accuracy. |
| Informal Language | a lot of time | a considerable amount of time | Replacing “a lot of” with “a considerable amount of” enhances formality. | Informal expressions can impact scores in Lexical Resource. |
| Sentence Structure | They have to follow rules, work in groups and respect teachers and classmates. | They are required to follow rules, collaborate in groups, and respect their teachers and classmates. | The corrected sentence uses more formal language and varies the verbs to make the list more engaging. | Complexity and formality issues can affect scores in Grammatical Range and Accuracy. |
Sentence Variety Feedback
Your essay demonstrates effective use of a variety of sentence structures. Great job on alternating between simple, compound, and complex sentences to enhance readability and engagement.
Introduction & Thesis Feedback
Your introduction effectively sets up the discussion and provides a clear thesis statement that outlines the scope of the essay. This approach provides a strong foundation for the subsequent analysis.
Exercises to Improve Weak Areas
- Work on consistent use of articles (‘a’, ‘an’, ‘the’) in your writing, as minor errors were noted.
- Focus on enhancing formality by replacing informal phrases with more formal equivalents for a better IELTS score.
- Pay attention to pronoun consistency to maintain grammatical accuracy.
Practice with These Grammar Packs
Grammar Pack: Mastering Articles in IELTS: a / an / the / –
Grammar Pack: Missing full stops, comma splices, incorrect capitalisation
Grammar Pack: Mastering Prepositions in IELTS Writing
Grammar Pack: Overuse of strong tone / lack of hedging
Grammar Pack: Using Pronouns and Formal Tone in IELTS Writing Task 2
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