Feedback for Student: Jack

Essay Type: IELTS Opinion Essay

Rewritten Essay (with Edits + Explanations)

Currently, traffic is a significant problem in many cities, leading to debates on how best to address it. Some individuals believe the government should allocate more funds to public transport rather than focusing on constructing additional roads. I agree to some extent; however, I believe that both measures are necessary.

Explanation: The use of “Currently” gives the sentence a more formal start, and changing “a big problem” to “a significant problem” uses a more precise vocabulary. The conjunction “and” was replaced with a semicolon to join two independent clauses effectively.

Investing in public transport can help reduce the number of cars on the road. If buses and trains are made more affordable and comfortable, a greater number of people might choose to use them. This approach can contribute to less pollution and alleviate traffic jams. In some countries, efficient public transport enables people to reach work faster without needing to drive cars.

Explanation: Added “made” before “more affordable” for clarity, and used “a greater number of people” to vary vocabulary. Replaced “helps” with “enables” for improved accuracy in context.

However, there are areas where public transport alone is insufficient. Some locations are far from stations or lack regular service schedules. In such cases, people still need to rely on driving. If the roads are outdated or narrow, it can result in accidents or cause delays. Constructing new roads in these areas can enable people to travel more safely and efficiently.

Explanation: Changed “is not enough” to “is insufficient” to improve the formal tone. Added “alone” for emphasis on the limitation of public transport. Replaced “old or small” with “outdated or narrow” for more precise language.

In conclusion, I believe the government should improve public transport, but also construct roads in areas where necessary. Achieving a balance between both strategies is the optimal solution to addressing transportation challenges.

Explanation: Replaced “should improve public transport, but also build roads in places where it is needed” with a more concise structure. Used “Achieving” to introduce the sentence more fluidly, and “challenges” instead of “problems” for varied vocabulary.

Error Type	Original	Corrected	Explanation	IELTS Impact
Articles	traffic is a big problem	traffic is a major problem	“Major” is a more formal choice than “big” for academic writing.	Repeated errors can lower your score to Band 6 or below.
Informal Vocabulary	some people might use them	some individuals might utilize them	“Individuals” and “utilize” are more formal choices than “people” and “use”.	Frequent use of informal language can lower your score to Band 6 or below.
Sentence Length and Complexity	If buses and trains are cheaper and more comfortable, more people might use them.	If buses and trains are made more affordable and comfortable, a greater number of individuals might be inclined to utilize them.	Using varied and complex sentence structures is important for achieving higher band scores.	Simple sentence structures could limit the score to Band 6 or below.
Articles	In some countries, good public transport helps people get to work faster	In some countries, a well-developed public transport system helps individuals get to work more quickly	“Well-developed” is a more precise and formal way to describe a public transport system.	Lack of specificity and formality can affect coherence and cohesion, leading to a lower band score.
Contractions	Now it’s real.	Now it is real.	Contractions should be avoided in formal writing to maintain formality and clarity.	Use of contractions can affect the formality and accuracy, potentially leading to a Band 6 score.

Sentence Variety Feedback

Your essay demonstrates a good attempt at sentence variety, incorporating different lengths and structures. This is essential for maintaining the reader’s interest and showcasing your ability to use varied sentence structures. Aim to continue this by integrating more complex sentences and limiting the use of overly simple constructions. Compounded and complex sentences can better convey intricate ideas.

Introduction & Thesis Feedback

The introduction effectively sets the stage for your opinion essay, providing a clear context for the reader. You present the issue and your stance clearly, which is crucial for setting expectations. The thesis statement is present and outlines your viewpoint, although it might benefit from a more explicit mention of the opposing view to enhance the essay’s balance. This can improve the overall coherence and increase the essay’s academic tone.

Exercises to Improve Weak Areas

Continuous practice of writing complex sentence structures will enhance your ability to express nuanced ideas. Consider focusing on exercises that develop compound-complex sentences.
To strengthen your grammar, work on exercises related to the use of articles and formal vocabulary, ensuring you are comfortable differentiating between informal and formal language.
Since formality and precision are key in IELTS essays, engage with tasks that improve vocabulary range and context-appropriateness.
Further development of your spelling accuracy can be achieved through targeted spelling exercises and proofreading practice.

https://ieltsjack.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/05/IELTS_Grammar_Pack_Simple_to_Complex-3.pdf

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