Rewritten Essay for Jack (Target Band: 6.5)
The issue of crime remains a pervasive challenge across numerous countries, leading to diverse opinions on the most effective methods for its mitigation. While some individuals advocate for extended prison sentences as a deterrent to criminal activities, others suggest alternative solutions that might be more effective. This essay will evaluate both perspectives before presenting my own viewpoint.
This introduction accurately sets the stage for a balanced discussion of the two viewpoints on crime reduction. The paraphrasing enhances clarity and coherence without introducing new ideas. The opening sentence could be more specific to indicate how the issue is relevant today, despite avoiding a generic hook.
Proponents of longer prison terms argue that such measures serve as a deterrent, discouraging potential offenders due to the fear of severe punishment. The prospect of spending many years incarcerated may compel individuals to reconsider engaging in unlawful activities. Furthermore, this approach ensures that dangerous offenders are isolated from society, thereby enhancing public safety.
The paragraph articulates the rationale behind longer prison sentences effectively. Paraphrasing is skillful, maintaining the original meaning while introducing a more formal tone. The paragraph remains focused on the topic and uses cohesive devices to support the argument. The sentence structure is varied and well-organized.
Conversely, others contend that alternative strategies might be more successful in reducing crime. Initiatives such as improving educational systems and providing increased employment opportunities can alleviate poverty, thus reducing the inclination towards criminal behavior. Moreover, certain offenders might benefit from corrective interventions; rehabilitation programs—either during incarceration or post-release—can assist them in reintegrating as positive contributors to society.
This paragraph effectively presents the opposing viewpoint with well-chosen examples. The paraphrasing is precise, elevating the discourse while preserving the original points. There is a good use of complex sentence structures and logical coherence is achieved throughout the paragraph.
In my view, extended incarceration is not invariably the optimal solution. Although necessary in certain instances, an emphasis on education, support systems, and rehabilitation initiatives could more effectively address the root causes of criminal behavior. By adopting such comprehensive measures, society can be rendered safer in the long term.
The concluding paragraph offers a balanced personal opinion while summarizing the main points discussed. The writing demonstrates strong paraphrasing skills, and the conclusion is consistent with the prompt. However, the phrase “rendered safer” could be replaced with simpler language to match the target band level.
Overall Overview
Strengths: The essay exhibits a clear structure with well-developed paragraphs. The paraphrasing is skillfully executed, and the vocabulary is diverse. Cohesion and coherence are consistently maintained, allowing for a logical flow of ideas.
Weaknesses: While the essay largely stays on topic, some language used in the conclusion could be simplified for greater clarity. Additionally, more detailed examples could enhance the depth of the argument.
Suggestions for Improvement: Consider incorporating more specific examples to substantiate your arguments. Simplify certain phrases to align with the target band level, and continue to refine your command of sentence structure and vocabulary diversity.
complex_sentences
noun_clauses_gerunds
cautious_langage
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Grammar Packs to Review
Linking Words and Sentence Structures
Using Pronouns and Formal Tone in IELTS Writing Task 2
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