Hi jacK, here is your full IELTS feedback
You submitted an IELTS Opinion Essay.
✍️ Rewritten Essay (with changes + explanations)
The entertainment industry is one of the largest sectors around the world. Some think that the people who work in this industry earn too much money, considering their bad influence on society, and I agree. Others, however, believe that their positive impact on society is worth the money they are paid.
Change: “in all around the world” to “around the world”; added “this” in “this industry”. Explanation: “All around” is redundant; “this” is used as a more specific article.
On the one hand, there is no doubt that show business is an enormous and unfairly well-paid sector. In addition to that, members of it do not add real value compared to others like, for instance, education workers. Although in some countries teachers live with unreasonable wages, their responsibility is extremely valuable for the next generations to become better people. Whereas a singer can earn twice their yearly salary from one concert. Another important point is that for a balanced and equal society, the difference between income levels must not be very high. Regardless of their contribution, no one should make billions of dollars that easily because such an imbalance does have a significant negative impact on societies.
Change: “well paid” to “well-paid”; “Others like, for instance, education workers” to “others like, for instance, education workers”; “than” to “of” in “Regardless than”; removed punctuation errors and adjusted article usage. Explanation: Hyphenation is needed for compound adjectives; removed unnecessary punctuation and corrected preposition usage; articles were adjusted for accuracy.
On the other hand, some people think that entertainers’ contribution to modern life is worth the money they earn. It can be understood that for many people, watching a movie or going to a concert is irreplaceable with other activities; therefore, they think that the entertainers’ positive impact is crucial for a significant proportion of people. In addition to that, celebrities do compromise their privacy and freedom by being known by many others. In exchange for that, they do deserve a comfortable life with significantly better paychecks.
Change: “contribution to the modern life” to “contribution to modern life”; added possessive “entertainers'”; “with being known” changed to “by being known”; “in exchange of that” to “in exchange for that”. Explanation: Removed unnecessary article “the”; possessive form “entertainers'” was added for correct grammatical structure; prepositions were adjusted for accuracy.
In conclusion, despite their minimal contribution through their work to people and sacrifice of their private life, I believe that their impact is far from being positive and they are not paid fairly or in balance with others.
Change: “with their work” to “through their work”; “sacrifice from their private life” to “sacrifice of their private life”; added “in” to “in balance with”. Explanation: Prepositions were adjusted for grammatical accuracy; sentence structure was modified slightly for fluent reading.
🔍 Common Grammar Issues
| Error Type | Original | Corrected | Explanation | IELTS Impact |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Articles | The entertainment industry is one of the largest sectors in all around the world. | The entertainment industry is one of the largest sectors all around the world. | The phrase “in all around the world” is incorrect; “all around the world” is the correct form as a prepositional phrase here, so “in” should be omitted. | Frequent incorrect article or preposition usage can reduce coherence and grammatical accuracy, resulting in a lower Band 6 or below. |
| Subject–Verb Agreement | their responsibility, is extremely valuable for next generations become better people. | their responsibility is extremely valuable for the next generation to become better people. | Added the article “the” and corrected the phrase to “for the next generation to become,” creating a correct structure and improving agreement. | Repeated errors with subject–verb agreement lower the sentence accuracy and could bring grammar scores down to Band 6 or lower. |
| Comma Splice / Sentence Length | Regardless than their contribution, no one should make billions of dollars that easily, because that imbalance does have a significant negative impact on societies. | Regardless of their contribution, no one should make billions of dollars that easily because that imbalance does have a significant negative impact on societies. | The preposition “of” should be used after “regardless” and removing the unnecessary comma makes the sentence structure clearer. | Frequent run-on sentences or incorrect preposition use can seriously impact coherence, lowering the grammar band. |
| Verb Form / Collocation | celebrities do compromise their privacy and freedom with being known by many others. | celebrities do compromise their privacy and freedom by being known by many others. | “By being” is the correct collocation to express means or manner here, not “with being”. | Incorrect verb form and collocation can reduce clarity and fluency, limiting the essay to Band 6 or lower for grammar. |
| Sentence Structure / Parallelism | In conclusion, despite their minimal contribution with their work to the people and sacrifice from their private life; I believe that their impact is far from being positive and they are not paid fairly or balanced with others. | In conclusion, despite their minimal contribution to society and the sacrifice of their private lives, I believe that their impact is far from positive and that they are not paid fairly or in balance with others. | The sentence required parallel phrasing and corrected prepositions for clarity and grammatical accuracy, with a comma instead of a semicolon for correct punctuation. | Consistent errors with sentence structure and parallelism reduce cohesion and may limit the score to Band 6 or less. |
💬 Vocabulary & Tone Feedback
| Original Phrase | Better Alternative | Why This Works Better |
|---|---|---|
| all around the world | around the world / worldwide | “All around the world” is somewhat informal and redundant. “Around the world” or “worldwide” is more concise and formal. |
| unfairly well paid sector | sector in which individuals are often excessively compensated | This phrasing is more precise and objective, which suits formal writing better. |
| next generations become better people | future generations to develop into responsible individuals | “Become better people” is slightly informal; the alternative is clearer and more academic in tone. |
| no one should make billions of dollars that easily | no one should be able to earn such large sums of money with relative ease | The revised phrasing avoids the informal structure “that easily” and is more precise. |
| it can be understood that for many people, watching a movie or going to a concert is irreplaceable with other activities | it is clear that, for many people, watching a movie or attending a concert cannot be substituted by other activities | This alternative is more idiomatic and avoids the informal or awkward use of “irreplaceable with”. |
| In exchange of that | In exchange for this | The phrase “in exchange of that” is incorrect; “in exchange for this” is grammatically correct and more formal. |
| paychecks | salaries / incomes | “Paychecks” is overly informal for academic writing; “salaries” or “incomes” are more suitable. |
| despite their minimal contribution with their work to the people and sacrifice from their private life; | despite their limited contribution to society and the sacrifices they make regarding their private lives, | The alternative is clearer and avoids awkward phrasing such as “sacrifice from”. |
| fairly or balanced with others | in a fair or equitable manner compared to others | “Balanced with others” is unclear; the alternative is more precise and formal. |
🔠 Spelling Corrections
| Misspelled Word | Corrected | Explanation |
|---|---|---|
| in all around the world | all around the world | Redundant preposition (“in all around” should be just “all around”). |
| compromise their privacy | compromise their privacy | Should be “compromise” not “compromise.” However, the word “compromise” is correct; the word actually needed is “sacrifice” (common confusion in meaning, but not a spelling error). |
| Regardless than their contribution | Regardless of their contribution | Incorrect word pairing; “than” should be “of.” This is a word choice error, not spelling but impacts language accuracy. |
| in exchange of that | in exchange for that | Incorrect preposition use; “for” should replace “of.” Not a spelling error but frequent in IELTS. |
📐 Sentence Structure Feedback
- Simple Sentences: 4
- Compound Sentences: 6
- Complex Sentences: 9
- Conditionals: 0
- Rhetorical/Stylistic: 0
Summary: The essay demonstrates a preference for complex sentences which are effective for displaying language competence; however, the overuse may also potentially lead to structural complexity that may affect clarity. The student’s use of compound sentences is adequate but could see more variety, especially in sentence openers to refresh reader engagement. The lack of conditional sentences and rhetorical devices suggests a missed opportunity for further sophistication in argumentative structure.
Tip: Consider incorporating conditional sentences to speculate about possible outcomes or scenarios, adding depth to your arguments. Experiment with rhetorical questions or parallel structures to enhance persuasiveness and readability.
🎯 Thesis & Introduction Feedback
Your Introduction:
The entertainment industry is one of the largest